Our man is still in Germany with England – Still naff, still depressing, but still in it

It’s been just over a week since I gave my rundown of the England group games and here we are preparing for our second Euro semi-final in three years.

It’s been quite a ride so far.

Not quite Oblivion or Nemesis. More like a bus navigating a desolate wasteland that occasionally gets hit by lightning.

When fans look back in fifty years’ time, this may appear to be a golden era. Under Gareth Southgate we’ve now achieved a minimum of two semi-finals and a final. Nobody has done better as an England manager barring Sir Alf Ramsey. Technically speaking that is.

In reality, in the here and now, to everyone with functioning eyes and a brain, we have witnessed the scabbiest, flukiest, most uninspired limp-a-long tournament performance that I can remember.

We have now gone five games deep and have won only one of them in normal time.

I know world rankings aren’t all that accurate. Belgium are third, for example, and looked rubbish this tournament. However, they do give a basic suggestion of a nation’s place amongst its peers. Argentina, France and Brazil make up the rest of the top four and many would agree with that. Pre-tournament at least. France appear eager to match us for lethargy, despite being joint favourites coming into this competition.

England are ranked 5th. We’ve now played the teams ranked (in chronological order): 32nd, 21st, 57th, 45th and 19th. I repeat, we’ve beaten only one of them in normal time.

Against 45th ranked Slovakia we didn’t have a single shot on target until the 95th minute when Bellingham crashed home that instinctive overhead kick. We then quickly followed that up when going into extra-time, with another goal via our second shot on target, then Southgate brought on defenders, parked the bus and held out for the win. One lucky (can you call it lucky if you’ve not been the better team?) breakaway equaliser and we’re on to penalties with half our penalty takers off the pitch.

Of the players who stepped up to take the penalties in the quarter-final, only two of them finished the game versus Slovakia. The gamble worked but it could easily not have.

In the quarter-finals, it was another turgid display. I actually thought we played quite well from the moment we equalised. Why were we playing well? Southgate had made changes. Something he had refused to do for 78 minutes. It was only when the opener was fired in on the 75th minute that he was roused from his slumber. Attacking changes were made and we took control of the game.

It’s almost as if, if we set up in an attacking way and take the game to teams, we might control matches and score goals.

The last ten minutes of extra-time did see us drop off again and Switzerland had chances to ensure no penalties were taken. Had we been playing for penalties by the end? That’s another big old gamble if so.

It was a fantastic goal that ensured we would be hanging around for another half hour. It was also something we’ve seen little of. A shot from outside the box. One of the things that has infuriated me the most this tournament is the team’s lack of willingness to take a shot from distance. I’m not saying hit it from anywhere. It’s just that we’ve been working the ball into decent positions and multiple times I’ve seen a Saka, Foden or Rice have the ball on the edge of the box with a clear shooting opportunity and they opt instead for another sideways pass. It literally appears that they’ve been instructed to only shoot if they are within ten yards of goal. Anything outside of that area of optimum opportunity and you need to be passing backwards or sideways, please.

Generally, it’s been a fantastic experience out here.

The fans have been in good form for the most part. The atmosphere in each game has been top-notch, and we seem to outnumber the opposition fans three to one every time. I’ve done a bit of sightseeing. Caught up with friends and family and have enjoyed a few weeks away from the rigours of normal life.

Despite the nigh-on unbearable football we’re witnessing, the moments that have changed the games have been exhilarating. I was slumped in my seat, mentally planning my route home, when Kyle Walker launched that long throw which resulted in Bellingham’s moment of magic. Like the lightning hitting the bus, I was out of that seat and embraced within the clutch of friends and strangers alike as we shared and savoured our latest ration of entertainment. Kane’s goal barely a beat into extra-time had everyone bouncing and believing.

Same with the Saka goal. The moans and cries for changes had been ringing around the stadium since the hour mark but no subs were made. There were no adjustments.

When the Swiss crashed home the opener on the 75th minute, three changes were made and the game kicked into life. We scored five minutes after conceding and once more elation erupted through the stands.

The penalties were at our end and a challenging watch.

It helped that their first one was saved as it meant we always had the advantage. We also had the home-end support with every Switzerland player being met by raucous boos as they stepped up to take theirs. I couldn’t bring myself to boo our boy Schar though. Every England player was clinical and as Trent Alexander-Arnold converted the fifth and final penalty, jubilation erupted once more.

Here’s a stat I checked out after that game. We had as many shots on target in the penalty shootout as we have in over four hours of the knockout football that we’ve played so far. That’s right, in two lots of two-hour games we’ve managed a feeble five shots on target. How do you legislate for that?

I remarked to somebody at half-time during the quarter-final that the match had been like a game of chess. Going on to tell him that I wouldn’t have paid all this to watch a game of chess.

I was surprised, listening to the Rest Is Football podcast, how complimentary Lineker and Richards were about the performance. I have been listening to that podcast throughout the competition and they have generally been realistic (critical) about the performances. For some reason, they now felt like Southgate had made excellent, tactical changes that made us a lot better. When Shearer came on the next day, he was nowhere near as positive.

Maybe I don’t fully understand what I’m seeing.

I appreciate football isn’t as easy as the better team always coming in and clearing up… but we are capable of more than five shots on target in four hours of football. That’s close to a shot on target per hour! It feels like Gareth is trying the old ‘I could win that fight with one arm behind my back’ brag. For him, it’s ‘we can win this tournament without a left wing.’

A lot has been said about Anthony Gordon and I spoke about him a lot in my last piece, so I won’t go over it again. There are plenty of theories out there about his lack of participation but here’s another one I came up with.

I don’t think Southgate likes Gordon’s direct style of player. Taking players on is more likely to lose possession than passing it five yards. I wouldn’t be surprised if Southgate didn’t even really want to bring him to this tournament. However, with Scotland sniffing around, maybe the FA encourage Southgate to bring Gordon along and give him a few minutes. Gordon had three caps before this tournament, but with them all being friendlies he could have still switched allegiances. Maybe the FA rate him and see him as a future England star and despite Gareth not being so keen they requested that with the bigger squads, we could take Gordon along, cap him in a competitive game and ensure that he doesn’t jaunt off over the border instead.

Not saying I think this is definitely the case. Just adding it to the mountain of theories that I’ve already read. There is no doubt he would have changed games and it’s been a real struggle for Trippier playing out of position and having nobody with him on that side of the pitch for large chunks of the game. I said as much to a fan who shouted ‘Trippier you’re bleeping bleep mate’ during the Switzerland encounter.

My other theory I’ve been carrying throughout the tournament is that Southgate has backed his team to edge past what could be deemed lesser opponents. Then he’s going to drop a tactical bombshell against one of the top nations, taking them unawares and making all their pre-game preparations redundant. Could we suddenly see Gordon thrown in against PHD in fouling, Denzil Dumfries? I wouldn’t bet any of my own money on it.

Anyway, at the time of writing, we are one of four teams that can still win this. It’s been lacklustre, disjointed and dispiriting for large portions but I might still see football on the plane home with me.

You can follow the author on Twitter @billymerlin